Jeff Foxworthy Food Intolerance Jokes

Polly · Post by **Polly** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:08 pm

Hi Friends!

I am still laughing about Karen with the porkchop in her pocketbook.

Maybe we need some J.F. food intolerance jokes. I'll start:

If you carry a porkchop in your purse, you might have food intolerances.

If you have ever broken down and sobbed in a grocery store, you might have F.Is.

If you have ever paid 5 times the going rate for a cookie that tasted like cardboard, you might have F.Is.

If the waiters in your local diner run away screaming whenever they see you coming, you might have F.Is.

If the happiest day in your year is the one where you discover a new product you can eat, you might have F.Is.

If your doctors have all maintained that your problems could NOT be due to diet although your symptoms persist, you might have F.Is.

If you know what "Matthew's pancakes" are, you might have F.Is.

Enough for now! I'll look forward to hearing your contributions to this thread!

Love,

Polly

Post by **tex** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:16 pm

Hahahahahaha. I'm laughing too much to write any jokes. I'll have to try again later.

No doubt about it--pulling a porkchop out of a pocketbook is a dead giveaway. LOL.

Those are all great!

Love,
Wayne

Matthew · Post by **Matthew** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 9:09 pm

Oh Polly you just crack me up. I love it

My additions

If you know someone that carries a pork chop in their purse and know why and would do the same if you carried a purse you might have F.I.s

If you have not been in the middle of the grocery store in years you might have F.Is.

If you eat green beans and salmon for breakfast you might have F.Is.

If you have an emergency stash of food in your car you might have F.Is.

If you eat before going to a party you might you might have F.Is.

If your idea of going out to eat is going out to the kitchen to see what you can put together that is safe you might have F.I.s.

If you had to invent Matthew’s pancakes their is no question.

Still laughing

Love

Matthew

starfire · Post by **starfire** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:05 am

You both crack me up!! Good Job

Love, Shirley

moremuscle · Post by **moremuscle** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:37 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!

You are both so very creative and crack me up too

Polly, I love the one about Matthew's pancakes.
And your version of the pork chop in the purse, Matt, is very convoluted - I guess it is the male version of it since I assume you are not carrying a purse? Carpenter pants come in very handy too - the big buttoned side pockets on the side of the legs are the right size for a zip locked pork chop. Ever thought about that?

I am not big on jokes or poetry - I love reading it but please excuse my poor sense of humor when it comes to writing and putting into words what fun it is in my mind. Here goes a Jeff Foxworthy F.I. joke:

- If you fill your carpenter jean pockets with nuts, dried fruit, and pork chops before going out odds are you have F.Is.

Does it work?

It brings to mind a little experience I had last time I was in Atlanta shopping for lunch at the Greek owned/operated restaurant at the Antiques Show. My husband was going to buy a meal and I was in line with him considering ordering a fruit salad even though I saw they had spilled feta cheese into it. Standing in the line I happened to read the sign above the hummus - it had a list of ingredients on it; Wow, I thought, what a great place to shop for food. I read the list and because I have made humus several times in my short life I started to notice it didn't mention tahini on the list of ingredients. I decided to ask if the humus had tahini in it. The young smiling man behind the counter answered "YES, it does"; I responded: "I don't see it on the list of ingredients"; he said jokingly and laughing: "I wouldn't have any customers if I listed all the ingredients!!" His joke left me standing there feeling half naked - I couldn't laugh even though I understood the humor in it; I just felt like my reality and his were light years apart. Not exactly a Jeff Foxworthy joke but it felt like I was struck by lightning somehow, nailed to the spot, utterly out of place.

Life goes on.

Love,
Karen

Polly · Post by **Polly** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:35 am

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Great ones, Matthew.....and Karen too!

Salmon and green beans - how true! How about these:

If your idea of a scrumptious, to-die-for dessert is a big, juicy DATE, then you might have food intolerances.

If you have ever had to emphatically decline "goodies" baked especially for you by a well-meaning friend or relative, then you might have F.I.s.

If you have ever had to eat out somewhere and found NOT ONE THING that you could safely eat, you might have F. I.s.

If you find yourself wanting to yell from the rooftops about how much better you feel after changing your diet, then you might have F. I.s.

If you know what SCD and "paleo" mean, then you might have F.I.s.

Isn't this fun? It's always great to share with others in the same boat, don't you think? Any more?

Love,

Polly

P.S. Karen, the situation you described is all-too-common, I'm afraid. That's why it is a good general rule not to eat out or to take your own food. Even when they honestly think the food is safe, it often is not. SIGH.

Post by **tex** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:41 am

Karen,

I understand exactly how you felt when the guy made a "joke" about the ingredients list. You and I, and most of us here, understand the significance of accurate labeling, and know a little about the labeling laws. That fellow obviously thought that an ingredient list was just a nifty opportunity to advertise his product, and he probably didn't even realize that the labeling laws erquire accurate and full disclosure. I'm sure he probably assumed that he could leave off any items that might not appeal to customers, and it wouldn't matter to anyone. LOL.

Polly,

I don't know if all the good ones have already been listed, or I'm just having writers block, but I'm not having any luck coming up with any additions. I've really enjoyed everyone else's works, though. LOL.

Love,
Wayne

Polly · Post by **Polly** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:50 am

That's OK Wayne! You are probably foxworthyed-out after all of those super MC ones! You deserve a break!

Love,

Polly

starfire · Post by **starfire** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 12:09 pm

I agree, Wayne deserves a rest. Where's my excuse? - dunno - I'll see if I can find one (an excuse I mean).

Shirley

Jean · Post by **Jean** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:16 pm

Wayne,

Resturants are not required to list or tell their ingredients, by law. Which is one of the problems we face.

My daughter told me she thought I could eat the soup at her restaurant. They make it from scratch, but use canned beef broth. She we really surprised when she read the ingredients and realized it contained wheat and soy.

I'm working on some jokes.

Love, Jean

starfire · Post by **starfire** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:28 pm

Yeah, I read the ingredients on a can of Pam Olive Oil Spray.

It contains grain alcohol and soy lecithin....................WHY!!!

Shirley

Post by **tex** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:59 pm

Hi Jean,

LOL, I remember that now, but it never even dawned on me when I read Karen's post. I was just thinking that if he posted an ingredient list, it should be complete, but in reality, I guess he has license to pick and choose, if he wants. Another case of caveat emptor.

Love,
Wayne

moremuscle · Post by **moremuscle** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 8:13 pm

I assume Jean is right that the restaurants are not required to list all ingredients.

I have perhaps become a little bit of an ingredient-list-freak in my effort to stay afloat in the world that surrounds my safe little island, my kitchen. Being quite the ingredient-list-addict it only slowly dawned on me while I was having the enlightening conversation with the restaurateur that I had no right to expect his lists to be accurate or all encompassing - it was just one of those moments when you are kind of caught off guard and someone, something slowly wakes you up to reality right before you are about to make a mistake while you live in your own world of how reality ought to be. There is a gap between the two worlds that are not connected by any bridge.

Like Polly said before, this experience just points out how important it is to always bring along some hard boiled eggs and a couple of slabs of meat all tucked away in neat zip lock bags that can be discarded while on the run.

There is nothing quite like talking to you guys - other people simply cannot relate. Thank you.

Love,
Karen

Jean · Post by **Jean** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:32 am

Yeah, Karen, I agree that restaurants should list their ingredients, but they are worried that their secret recipes will be given away. Of course you can ask if they contain any of your intolerances, but I'm not sure even chefs are aware of all the hidden sources. I recently got caught by a change in cooking oil of falafal that even the guy who has been waiting on me, and is aware of my intolerances, didn't notice.

I hate to say it, but I have given up on eating out. Even sushi, which comes in contact with surfaces 'contaminated' with rice.

I'm starting to think that I'm developing another intolerance. Just an inkling, but I've been getting symptoms and haven't eaten anything new or found any contaminations...I sure hope I'm wrong!!!

Love, Jean

moremuscle · Post by **moremuscle** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:55 am

Good Morning, Jean

I hope you are wrong too - after all, what CAN you be intolerant of that you are not already LOL!

For all practical purposes I too have given up on eating out - the incidence in Atlanta was unusual for me because I normally don't even try to find anything I can eat. I happened not to have prepared myself well enough for the trip and found I was hungry for something more substantial than the fruit and nuts I had taken along.

There is only one place I go in Columbia to eat out - it is a pretty lousy Chinese Restaurant that has a small buffet and a Mongolian Grill. My family can choose from everything - I have a meal cooked for me on the Mongolian Grill. The choices of fresh meat and vegetables are rather limited so I eat the same thing every time I go there

The staff doesn't speak English but I have managed to figure out all the "spices" for the Mongolian Grill have vegetable oil in them (NO-NO) so I instruct them to use the Sesame Oil and water only for cooking my meal. So far I haven't become sick from it.
It is mostly because of my family I go there - to be a little social instead of always sending the three of them out w/o me.

You mentioned Sushi - I have been wondering about Sushi. I am tempted to try another Chinese restaurant that serves Sushi (they don't have the Mongolian Grill) but I have been afraid of it. Do you know if the green wasabi paste is OK in terms of being allergen free? Also, I am curious to know if the pickled ginger is OK - that's my favorite condiment to go with Sushi. Are any of the Sushi ingredients themselves "dangerous"? I wonder how the Sushi would taste w/o soy sauce? I used to let is swim in soy sauce........

Love,
Karen