I am here and there :O)

[barbaranoela]

Anyhoo----I would never post this but when one has to open up so be it---

U see, the past 3 weeks, Mr. Louie has been a very different person--someone I dont *recognize*!!! sounds weird--doesnt it

He is not *upbeat*
He is very moody/annoyed with anything I might do/ask/say~~~Xtremely damn right nasty!!
I just kept my mouth closed and waited for the right time to *approach* --WHAT the issue might be---
And today was it---

He is very sorry -but the optomistic man is being swallowed by all the ailments that affected our kids + Kait---and for the first time,in his life, he has been over-run with them--

Kait and her returning seizures--and I know he wishes to be home to take over some of the chores that Lynn is doing---which has her missing work~~
DOUG---and his inability to enjoy life---his body folding like a domino and his constant pain---Doug was always *bullied* for only being 5feet 6" and his name also---they would call him *DOGGIE* and this freakin bunch of neighborhood kids would wait for him,after school, flip him over and slam dunk him down on the CONCRETE!!!! no wonder he always had pain!! and yet NEVER told us cus *guys dont run home to tell their moms* I have much HATRED for these BROTHERS ~~~~~
LYNN--who is stressed to the end of her ropes again--and her $$$ issues
DEB---who might be facing cancer of the uterous---she is passing bloody/mucousy clots---in about a week they will do a sonar-gram of the uterous--straightening up the cervix to get a good scanning--and then proceed with what has to be done--
When she was about 30---her GYN detected dysplazure(spelling) cells and sent her to a cancer-GYN---and every 3 months she went for lazer surgery to burn out the cells---this went on for about a year--with her being in good shape up till now~~~~
And to this date she has always been under the care of GYN-Cancer Dr.s-
Deb is being very calm about all this but *dad* has begun to fall apart--

Today he told me this----*worried so about everybody* Have so much on my mind~~~~
And me the *pessimist*,of the 2, looked him in the eye and said YES,first U have been a total bitch and I knew something was lying on your shoulders but was always *pushed* away!!!
As Kait said to Lynn---*shi* happens* repeating it to Lou--and adding we do what we can when the time faces us---
We cant sit and worry all day--then we might as well fold up and hide--

So, I kinda been avoiding the puter cus I didnt want to appear *un-concerned*
He looks terrible and as I said---the first time in all our lives together,have I seen him in this state--

I am hanging in-----what turned me around---!! I havent the foggiest--
Maybe *age*---
So I shall return--even though I never left--my thoughts have been with all of U--

The familiar word---*informed* U all shall be---

Have a good weekend---
luve, Barbara

PS. This is funny and yet it isnt--we were talking about death and etc.,stating to Doug how Grams Marion(my mom) donated her body to science----Doug says to me---*mom,I know U want to be cremated but does this mean I wont get to see U before???
hahahah---sure I said----one day of being *sleeping* so all can come and see me----and I said---*I am making a recording thanking all my freinds---saying not such nice things to those who used and abused my goodness
and if Aunt Barbara (SIL) and neice and nephew show up---kick them out!!*
Well Doug *roared*----
Lordy, lordy the things one discuses with their kids---- but U know its kinda loving and warm!!! If that sounds *sane*
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

[Wendy]

Oh Barb, if I could give you something to help carry the weight of all that is handing over both of you, I would. Sometimes I think that we all do what Lou did, thinking he was dealing with it, when he wasn't, and it showed up in his actions, being cranky, crabby, and so forth. Its like we want someone to say to us "HEY What's WITH YOU?" We then finally feel like we can say what is really on our minds, whats bothering us. And thank goodness he has you there, because eventually you were going to say something about it to him, right??? There are certain things we do as humans to communicate our feelings when we can put them into words right away. Kids do it, they act up, they are naturals at it, only we notice it quicker with them, maybe because they are little, and we get to know how they try to show us things when they can't talk yet, so we know. The thing is we still do the same thing when we grow up, and if we are with the perfect person for us, they get to know us and pick up on it when we act up. Like you knew something was up with Lou, because the way he was acting was not his usual character, and you had not witnessed it before. And because you have the relationship that you have, you also knew that you could pick a time and talk to him, and he would tell you. That is very special in itself. And you do have allot on your plate, more then allot of people face in a lifetime. There are no words to describe what Kait has gone through, and what it has done to your family. And its awful what Debbie is facing too. And Doug, it really is awful what kids go through, maybe sometimes more when they are boys, but when I was in school, I was used in more then one way as a punching bag for the bullies. Funny thing is, I didn't tell my mom or dad either. Sometimes it was a daily event. What I think too, is that sometimes the men in our lives think that they have to be the strong ones, and are not supposed to show that they are scared or worried. Which of course is just dumb, and mostly based on societies idea of what a man is supposed to be, which is not the norm. They worry and everything else just like we do. And just like us, its hard to carry all that worry around on our own, when it can be shared, its much easier to bare. Its a good thing, having each other, and you do have allot of family problems to bare right now. Its also good that you feel you can share with us here. It lesson's your load some too.

So
Gentle hugs
Wendy

[barbaranoela]

Thank U Wendy-----your post was very special for the way U realized what I was saying and the feelings running along side --

U are a special Wendy----and I thank U for being U~~~~

much luve and
Barbara

Wendy and to add thats why Doug quit school---due to being bullied and this he finally told me but just a year or 2 back~~~~
He and I sat one day and just talked and talked~~~~and it was more love than I could have asked for---
Doug is such a sweetie-pie--like his Uncle Robert--I always called them a matched set of book-ends---

[annie oakley]

Aww Barb.....you certainly have had your share of grief this last while and it seems all at once. It sounds as if Mr Louie isn't the only one to feel the stress. I think you are as well. I sometimes wish I knew the reasons why things happen and then again I'm glad I don't know. I know you and Mr Louie are strong people.....I pray for you and your family...especially sweet Kait. I have asked for strength for you and Mr Louie. I Know My Mike is very much like Wendy said...he has to be strong...he thinks...also if anyone sacrifices it MUST be him......It's the way some men are...it not mean it's just their instinct to protect us their family. If you want to talk call me...I will listen, you have been so sweet to me and I don't know what I can do except be a friend to you and listen. Love oma

[MaggieRedwings]

Barbara,

My heart goes out to you and Lou. You both have been overwhelmed for way too long now and you really must take the time for the two of you and not have the rest of what is going on start to pull you 2 different ways. It is tough but we can't be everything to everybody. You 2 are the most important people to each other and make it that way.

Love you both (I'm off my soapbox now), Maggie

[starfire]

I admire both of you so much for perservering through all that has been happening for a long time. No wonder Louie got a bit "testy" (I realize that's a large understatement). He sounds like the kind of person who "holds it in" and I guess he just had to "overflow". I'm glad you got him to talk about it.

Love to you both, Shirley

[Mars]

to both of you!

[Liz]

Barb, we always expect our men to be strong & not show emotion. To be the ones we can lean on. We forget that they often are suffering as well, particularly when they are worried about their loved ones but think they need to appear to be the person everyone can depend on for comfort. I know you will be there for each other as you have been throughout all your trials & tribulations, & you have certainly been given more than your fair share of those.

Lots of love & for you Barb & a shoulder to cry on even if it is so far away across the waves, Give my love & a big big to Lou as well.

Twinnie

[JJ]

Hugs from me too kiddo!

Love.....Jill