Feel free to discuss any topic of general interest, so long as nothing you post here is likely to be interpreted as insulting, and/or inflammatory, nor clearly designed to provoke any individual or group. Please be considerate of others feelings, and they will be considerate of yours.
in situations like this you can't 'force' her to talk or open up
the more you push, you are at risk that she will distance herself moreso than now.
if she is not coping with the situations around her, being forced to see people who are coping with this condition and giving you support may upset her more.
Gloria has made a strong statement
I understand that you are disappointed with your wife's reaction and lack of understanding about your disease, especially when you were so proactive with hers. I think it takes an exceptional person to put themselves in another's shoes and suffer with them. You are obviously exceptional. Your wife may not have the maturity to deal with your illness. I wouldn't recommend divorce because she is probably not too different from most other spouses. You may have to lower your expectations from her. We want our spouses to share our grief, but they don't really understand what we're going through
as we have discussed that having mc has changed our perfectionist tendancies we also have to change our expectations of those around us. MC changes us, if our loved ones dont like the change or are not coping with the change it scares them and in some cases they dont want to admit it (as it is perceived as a sign of failure....)
it is not necessarily that they love you less, they are struggling to cope with what is happening around them.
dont give up .... then again dont force resolution to happen right now......to find the happy medium
Gabes Ryan
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
I haven't done this personally to someone with this medical condition, but i have with another when i nearly fell out with a friend and it worked.... maybe you could try to write her a letter explaining things and leave it somewhere for her to find?
'The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.' Horace Bushnell
in situations like this you can 'force' her to talk or open up
I thought that was a typo, so I edited it to read:
in situations like this you can't 'force' her to talk or open up
If I am wrong, please forgive me, and edit it back to what you originally wrote, (or let me know, and I will reverse the change).
Incidentally, other than that little "typo", I agree with your advice, 100% - that's a great post, (as is Gloria's, of course).
Tex
It is suspected that some of the hardest material known to science can be found in the skulls of GI specialists who insist that diet has nothing to do with the treatment of microscopic colitis.
Rich it sounds like she is clearly having a tough time with this topic. Reading this blog would at least expose her to others with this same disease and the awful effects it has on us. If it would help I could PM you my phone number if you would like to talk.
Hi Rich, I just want to add my love and support to what you are going through. I found Gloria's post especially insightful to your situation. I'm not much help because I have a husband who has been committed to helping me through this no matter what it takes. It helps that we've been married 35 years and have weathered many of life's storms together.
You sound like an amazing compassionate person who has given so much when your wife was in need. I was always a healthy, outgoing person until mc hit. I started going downhill for months and didn't know why. I finally had to take a medical leave from my teaching and try to get my head and body to a place where I could function again. I became depressed, reclusive, and avoided social situations. I wondered if I would ever be me again. Slowly through the help of this board I have made my way back (still a work in progress but miles from where I was 2 years ago). I hope you can lean on Joe for some special support and listen to Tex, Polly, Gabes, Naty, Shirley, Tanya, Gloria, Joan and everyone else who reaches out to help you at this time. We're all here and will do whatever it takes to help you. You're not alone. May God bless you as you work your way through all this (and it is work!) Things will eventually get better and you'll find your way, Love JoAnn
Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway. John Wayne
Well, I wrote a long post only to lose it hitting a random key. I guess I just want to say I feel your pain. I'm in a marriage where the spouse sort of gets it, but doesn't want to hear about it. It's not appealing for a woman to have D, much less talk about it. He is supportive of the diet because of the results I've gotten, but it also means he blames me when my symptoms flare...I must have cheated on the diet, wasn't careful, not sleeping enough, not exercising, etc. If it were him, he probably thinks he would have knocked this minor disease out by now with sheer willpower.
But I'm the medical expert in the family, so he's totally hands off.
But when he cooks, it's always extra spicy, extra fatty, parmersan cheese on everything. And my GF pasta, pancakes, etc might as well be poison - he won't go near them. He wants me to join him when he has a drink. And I usually do, because I want to feel normal. So I pay a price later for those moments of normalcy...alone.
Rich, my heart bleeds for you! You were the caregiver, and I have been there as well, and it always caused bowel problems not as bad as MC. Stress, I feel, absolutely caused my MC; your mother is very wise. Lots of good suggestions have been given, but most of all you need to take care of yourself. This disease will absorb every moment of the day. I can't tell you how many times I've had my friends come up to me and tell me how good I look when I am dying on the inside. This is a great support family and we are hear to LISTEN, give advice when needed, but most of all to know there is someone else that has an understanding of what you are going through!
Try not to make any life altering decisions until you have given yourself time to heal; you will be able to think more clearly. But for now you must come first! Ginny
You have received such wonderful advice and support here that I don't have much to add. I do believe that stress plays a tremendous part of our reactions and only you can find that "place" to go to where you can back up from the stress and relax, even if it is for a short period of time.
I also agree that being a caregiver is not in everyone's DNA. Some have it and some don't but that doesn't mean that they don't care, it just means that they aren't capable. It's also possible that your wife has a problem with illness because she was once so scared and sick and can't face it happening to you so she is ignoring/making it seem like it isn't true and happening.
Hang in there and come here to vent, sound off or ask for support. We are all here for you and have experienced the same in one form or another from our loved ones and friends.
Love and very gentle hugs,
Mars
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -- Buddha
The right counselor can probably help a bunch, even if you have to go alone. It's possible you can learn to communicate in a way that will reach your wife. At the very least it would probably help you learn to cope better with her way of handling the situation. Maybe that would help for now so you two can get through this rough spot and, hopefully, stay together. She might come around, eventually. I sure hope so!
I am overwhelmed by your unconditional support. My wife and I did talk tonight. She was very defensive to start. And though I think we made some progress, some underlying issues still exist. Without being too direct - she has a nosy, narcissistic, and very uncompassionate brother who has managed to add even more stress to my situation, and to my marriage. This coming from someone who has failed at least two marriages... I know this is not the Christian thing to do, but I have chosen to exclude him from my life. I'd much rather lean on true friends like all of you. What's the saying, you can pick your friends but not your family. True.
I love my wife, and I know she loves me. But more work is ahead of us. I wish someone on this board could help me to explain what I am experiencing...
Good Bless you all,
Rich
P.S. I am SO looking forward to getting out of town this week. I need some "alone" time.
Rich, I can see how you are struggling and my heart goes out to you. When I read posts like yours, I am so grateful that my husband is so understanding and supportive of me. I would suggest counseling for the two of you. If she won’t go with you, then go alone. Joe offered to talk to you by phone. I hope you would take him up on it. Just don’t make any quick decisions.
You say you are looking forward to getting out of town and having some alone time. I know your job takes you away. I hate to see you be “alone”. I hope you can surround yourself with people who can joke with you and cheer you up. Keep busy so you don’t “think” so much.
Feel free to let it all hang out here, there are good listeners here.
I hope I find you posting that things have improved. I think of you often during the day.
Keep your chin up.
This is a big hug from me to you!
Charlotte
The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine, or the slowest form of poison. Ann Wigmore
I am so sad to read your situation and my heart goes out to you. As a bachelor I have no qualifications to comment, (except that in my misspent youth I had some serious relationships and now wish I had been able to converted one into marriage).
I think, as others have mentioned, that your wife may be in denial, especially as the medical community and thus the world at large supports a misguided view that this is not a "serious" disease (which of course gives an opening for less sympathetic family members).
Cancer, stroke, multiple sclerosis and any number of recognized "serious" diseases might have given her a different view and shocked her into a different realization.
If this is the case I shout "j'accuse!!" to those in authority who should know better. They shape the mindset of 99% of people, including loved ones, about this disease.
Thinking of you and praying for a change in your wife’s understanding of the situation.
hoosier1 wrote:My wife and I did talk tonight. She was very defensive to start. And though I think we made some progress, some underlying issues still exist.
Unfortunatley this is one of those things that will take a while to sort out, but at least she is willing to talk about it. I hope things improve for you both.
'The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.' Horace Bushnell
I, too, am very glad you were able to talk with your wife........ There is no solution unless you two can do that. Try to keep communication open. Counseling might help in that respect.
Love, Shirley
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber"
-- Winston Churchill
Visit the Microscopic Colitis Foundation Website
This is a big hug from me to you!