Need some advice - Sad today for several reasons

[Polly]

Mornin' Rich,

Sounds as if you have made a little progress. That's good news. Keep in mind that we have a roller coaster disease, and that the path to wellness is often one step forward and two steps back. This will undoubtedly occur, too, during the process of helping your wife to understand what you are going through. It won't happen overnight. Patience is the name of the game when it comes to MC (much as we'd like everything solved TODAY, right?)

I hear what you're saying about your brother-in-law. You are not being unChristian, IMHO - you are looking out for number #1, which is absolutely what you MUST do at this point in your life. It took me a long time in life to realize that it is important to minimize time with people who are negative, who "suck you dry", so to speak. You really need to seek out those who are optimistic, who make you feel good just by spending time with them. Once I got MC, I actually had to cut ties with one childhood friend for this reason.

I can also feel that you are angry, and of course, that's very normal. I hope that you are not letting it eat away at you, however..........do you have outlets for anger? Anger is not all bad - it can help keep depression at bay, for one thing.

Hang in there, Rich. We are all rooting for you.

Love,

Polly

[Ginny]

Rich, Shirley is right.........keep the communication line open. I do understand about getting away and some alone time. I think we need it when we are overwhelmed. The disease takes so much energy and when you have the opportunity to have time just for yourself to sleep, read, meditate or anything else that comes to mind that will help you to relax and regain some strength........do it!

The brother-in-law is definitely not good for you now and you are doing the right thing. God does not wish us to suffer at the expense of someone's insensitivities that's why we have free will to choose.

Please remember that this healing takes time. As Polly has mentioned we all "expect" to get well overnight, but not with this disease. You will learn patience and become even more beautiful of a person inside! Prayers continue, Ginny

[hoosier1]

Polly and Ginny,

You are both so, so, so, so right. You know, it doesn't feel like the Christian thing to do, but I have chosen to eliminate my brother in law from my life, and it was by his doing. I know that makes it tough on my wife (it is her brother), but as you say, I need to heal. It is going to make holidays rough but I think I will just sneak away with my wife instead of meeting with all those people who do not seem to care He is someone who, I am going to be shallow for a moment, lacks the mental capacity to even comprehend what anyone of us deal with, day in and day out. I am trying not to use the word hate, but unfortunately, that is how I feel.

I am happy to report that I feel a little better today.

Rich

[Polly]

Dear Rich,

How good to hear that you feel a little better.

Re the hate you have for your BIL, it's good that you can put a label on it. I would imagine that, underneath it all, he is probably a desperate and unhappy soul, but we need to be concerned about YOU right now, not him. As you have said, you need to do what is best for you to heal. Please do not let the hatred for him tie your gut up in knots........do not let him have this kind of "power" over you and your healing. It is simply not worth it at this point in time. Whenever those hate thoughts enter your head, just try to let them go, envision them going up like a puff of smoke. Keep in mind that YOU have control over your mind and healing and not him.

Lots of love,

Polly

[wonderwoman]

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I was worried about you. Take care of yourself first.

[Bifcus16]

Hi Rich,

My coach gave me some advice a while back which you may find helpful (or not). Her way to tell people they aren't doing what you want is to say:

When you [action] I feel [emotion]. I want you to [action].

Eg: When you show you are annoyed at me going to the bathroom when we are out [action] I feel humiliated and embarrassed [emotion]. I want you to help me find a bathroom quickly when that happens, and be waiting there with a kind word for me when I come out [action].

Try to be very precise. For the emotion words, look at Plutchiks wheel of emotions or the tertiary emotion words here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions
Also try to make the action you want them to do a positive (do X) rather than a negative (don't do Y).

Sometimes the process of thinking through some of the situations where you might use this can be interesting in itself. Eg, exactly what is the other person doing and exactly how do you feel? Do you want them to ignore certain things? Say certain things? Do certain things? This is a new situation for the partner. If you don't tell your partner what you want, how do you expect them to know?

Good luck!

Lyn

[Tanya Lynn]

Rich,

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling slightly better.

Polly hit the nail on the head when she said:

I hear what you're saying about your brother-in-law. You are not being unChristian, IMHO - you are looking out for number #1, which is absolutely what you MUST do at this point in your life. It took me a long time in life to realize that it is important to minimize time with people who are negative, who "suck you dry", so to speak. You really need to seek out those who are optimistic, who make you feel good just by spending time with them.

Stay away from the ones who suck the life out of you. Your too fragile right
now and don't need the negative people in your life. I haven't seen several
of my friends or I thought were my friends for almost two months now.
It really does hurt to realize they must not be true friends. I have found
more comfort from people here than I have ever gotten from my friends.

Take one day at a time. I am still praying for you and your wife.

Tanya