Hello Lord & PP Family it's me, Jodi

[jodibelle352]

I wish I could say that I've achieved a 'New Normal' in my life but that is so far from the truth. Yesterday of all days 10-10-10 did nothing to help me control the fact that David has been gone from my life 5 months and OMG! I still feel so alone.

Tex, I responded to your poll today in regards to stress and our diseases. Since David's death on May 10th I have had to increase my Entocort dosage back up to 9mgs daily. IOW's I'm right back to square one or back to the beginning when it comes to my CC. My weight took a drastic plunge within the 1st month of David's death. I am however back up to 88lbs which is nothing to cheer about because I can't afford to go backwards.

I feel it's important tell all who do not know me that I had been my husband David's caregiver for 15 yrs. before his death in May. Please let me assure you that I am not nor did I ever complain about caring for him. I was his Caregiver/Protector/Guardian. Just as David was mine as well. We were married 37 yrs. and letting go of what was my 'Normal' for so many yrs. has become a daily struggle at times trying to begin a 'New Normal'.

I still continue to watch my diet and am GF! My insistance to stay away from a regular diet is pissing off my GI specialist who has in the past been quite supportive. I have a scheduled appt. to see her again Nov. if I should decide to make the appt. at all. Her nurse practitioner really made me angry when she set me up for weekly weigh in's along with the threat of hospitalizing me and putting me on a feeding tube if I did not gain 10lbs in 6 weeks and maintain it. So we'll see what happens and if I feel like continuing with Dr. Larkin and her want to be GI nurse practioner.

Heartland Hospice who helped me with David's care have been very supportive and I've been going to weekly thurs. a.m. group sessions for 4 months. It does help being with other people who have lost there spouses because most truly understand and care. HOWEVER! I am finding myself listening more than talking because there are some who have NO IDEA what I'm holding inside because I want to tell some to 'shut the hell up'! Last thurs. I left the session without saying a word when someone in the group asked me; "Don't you at least feel a little relieved now that he's in a better place?" I AM NOT RELIEVED!

Those of you who know me remember my post about the 'deep black hole' I found myself in when first diag. with CC...well I didn't ask for CC nor did I ask to have SLE (Systemic Lupus) and I sure as hell didn't want David to die!
What I want is for this pain and depression to leave me ALONE!

I've chosen not to post because I'm still hurting and don't know how to do anything right. When I do have a couple good days then something triggers the grief again I end up going backward instead of forward.

Please...know how much all of you mean to me. God only knows how big a part of my life you all have become. I don't like getting depressed and saying things like I've done today. I don't want anyone to see my hurt. I WANT MY HEART TO FEEL WHOLE AGAIN!

Love & God's Blessings:
Jodi

[Kari]

Dear Jodi,

I'm fairly new to the PP family and haven't read any of your former posts, but my heart goes out to you. I think you've taken a big step in helping yourself by coming back and posting here on the board. There is so much warm, loving support here.

Wish I could tell you that you will get over your grief quickly, but that is not realistic and 5 months is not a long time. Having been together for so many years, in sickness and in health, and then finding yourself alone will take a lot of getting used to. Grieving is not a bad thing - it will help you in the healing process. Be gentle with yourself, take it one day at the time, and don't forget to keep posting here.

Lots of love and warm regards,
Kari

[ant]

Dear Jodi

My heart goes out to you and I have said a little prayer (I was just going to sleep when I read your post).

All I can say is that we are all here for you.... and hopefully we can bring some light...

Wishing you all the best, love ANT

[jodibelle352]

Thank You Kari for your kind words.

Not only did God send me your reply he also made my phone ring. LOL It was the Elementary School asking me if I could come and pick up my 6 yr. old Grand-daughter; Bailey she wasn't feeling well. OKAY LORD! You don't have to hit me with a brick you just decided to open my eyes and heart as to WHY I'm still needed.

I am so sorry I was so out spoken. Everything just started coming out once I started typing along with a lot of tears. Maybe I need to cry a little more often.?????

Love & God's Blessings:
Jodi

[jodibelle352]

Thank You Ant

Maybe once again coming back to post wasn't the wrong thing to do.

I have just been feeling really crappy and if I can't stand to even be with myself I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I'm not much good as far as a pick me up yet.

Love You & God's Blessings:
Jodi

[Ginny]

Jodi, your post was needed...........for yourself as well as for us! No one can imagine your grief but we can pray for you and your family. You are right, when one door closes...........God opens another. Hang on to your family and your faith, it will get you through. Post as often as you need to, tell us your feelings..........we will listen. Ginny

[jodibelle352]

Thank You Ginny for your loving and caring. I'm beginning to think God's been doing a lot of pushing and I've been resisting.

[tex]

Hi Jodi,

It's good to see a post from you. I can certainly understand how grief is still dominating your life, and I'm sorry that it's taking such a toll on your health, but I can certainly understand why it is affecting you so severely. And people who try to extend sympathy by trying to claim that what happened is "all for the best", get on my nerves, too. What on earth are they thinking? Losing a loved one, especially a spouse, is rarely a question of whether or not anything is better - the loss is horrific, and virtually everything else is irrelevant.

I'm glad to see that you're still following the diet, despite your GI doc's ignorance. The threat that her nurse practitioner made is inexcusable, if she wasn't just trying to be funny. Trying to treat people by means of threats and intimidation is a sign of a twisted mind. It's nice to set goals, but that's all they should be - just goals. They shouldn't be an ultimatum. She would probably be a lot happier in the military, where she would outrank most of her patients, so that she could order them around.

As Kari said, grieving is a necessary part of life, and we all have to handle grief in our own special way. We can share it, but no one can do it for us. I'm very encouraged by the fact that you decided to post. That's a very good sign that you're making progress in restoring some order into your life. Hopefully, your GI tract will settle down, soon, and that should help to make your path a little easier.

Always remember, we are here to help in any way we can, and we feel your pain, as if it were our own.

Love,
Tex

[jodibelle352]

Love You Tex!

I have a question for you? Did David ever make any post to you about me? I will understand if you can't give me that information.

David and I had a very special relationship and bond. Our life together had it's 'ups & downs' but we NEVER let go of each other during a crisis. If I could give the world a part of him, it would be this:
"Hey! Did I Tell You Today How Much I Love You?"



The remarkable man David was and the fact that he was such a BIG part of my life as much as the lives of his children and grandchildrens was a beautiful gift and as hard as I try I am NOT RELIEVED that he's gone. I'm glad that his suffering is ended and I'm not stupid I know where he is ... in Heaven.
David's burdens with his illness has been relieved but I'm here and struggling with so many issues. I was making some progress when for the 4th time since 1994 I found another mass in my right breast. So on Sept.20th Dr.Bays my Surgical Specialist removed another fibercystic mass. At this time I am still recovering from that surgery. The reports came back that it was Benign which I was very grateful to hear.

I'm trying my best to stay on top of financial things but as many women who have lost a spouse can relate the income that once was coming in no longer exist. It's especially hard when trying to live on a fixed income and all of a sudden almost $900 per month is no longer available. I've asked to be put on a list for the 1st available one bedroom apt. becomes available but it's now 5 months and still no openings.

I'm not able to work and I'm doing the best I can. I truly need a break. Hopefully, once I heal from this last surgery I'll be more able to handle things without feeling completely overwhelmed.

When my Family Physician found out what my GI's nurse practioner did I can tell you Dr. McDougall put an immediate STOP to her b.s. He called Dr. Larkin personally and told her to inform Jeannie to 'back off' on anymore threats. At least I know I still have him in my corner. LOL

Thank You All so very much for helping me get back. Coming here 2 yrs. & 4 months ago brought me back from a severe depression because of the CC and I know in my heart coming back and posting today was not by coincidence. Especially when I saw the post titled "Has anyone heard from Dee or Jodi".

Love & God's Blessings Sure Have A Way Of Bringing Things Full Circle!

Jodi

[starfire]

Jodi,
I'm glad you posted. I think it did you some good and I'm sure that continuing to interact with others will help. I have a tendency to "withdraw" when something is really bothering me and perhaps you do also.

I do understand your grief. There are still times when I have a thought of Bill and just start sobbing but the times are getting farther between and more controllable. Bill has been gone a little over 2 years. I think I was still shell shocked at 5 months.

We are all in your corner, Jodi, and wish the best for you.

Love, Shirley

[jodibelle352]

Love You Shirley!
Thank You for your love and support.

[Polly]

Hi Jodi

So good to see you posting again! Welcome back. We have missed you. Hang in there, dear.

Love and a

Polly

[mbeezie]

Hi Jodi,

Welcome back. So sorry the grief is still so heavy, but each day holds new hope.

The smaller apartment sounds like a good thing. When my dad died my mother gave up the family house and moved into an aparmtment and LOVED it. It took her a while to acquire the apartment but once she got it she felt relieved not having to manage a big house and enjoyed having neighbors her own age. It helped her to move on and heal. Hopefully this will work out for you in time.

Hugs,

Mary Beth

[Bifcus16]

Hi Jodie,

Good to see you back. This family is always interested to hear what is happening in your life - the bad along with the good. Hugs.

Lyn

[Joefnh]

Hi Jodi, its great to here from you again. I am glad that you had a chance to 'talk through' some of your feelings during your post. This certainly is a great place to do that.

Thanks for sharing with us this part of your journey, your granddaughter Bailey really is fortunate to have such a wonderful person in her life.

Take care and God bless Jodi

--Joe