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Since I am back in the Netherlands, I am not so well. I have been hanging on my sofa a lot, really doing nothing. Feeling bored and don't know what to do with my life, my life feels empty and I feel empty inside. Actually this empty disconnected feeling has been with me, since my MC started. I have been wondering if this was one of the MC symptoms, but I don't think so. It is more a result of the MC, in the sense of getting (any) disease. Before my MC started my life did go as an arrow. I felt so connected to myself, my outside world, it was like everything did go well and did happen without any effort. Of course than also not everything was going perfect, but things where much lighter. I think it was more any attitude towards life, than that I or my life was really different than.
I think just a week before the MC started I quitted a project I was working, because it wasn't something I really wanted to do and I wanted to focus on "how and when to get to Jordan". And than on 20 may 2009 the MC started, on Ascension Day.
It was like, that MC was the only thing going on in my life, first getting a diagnosis that took all in all 4 months. Than figuring out how to deal with the disease, learning everything about MC what is out there to find, the enterolab testing, new lifestyle in the sense of the die t and this group of course. After that, getting all the other parts of life back on track. I was lucky that I didn't have to worry about money, I have been on paid sick leave for over a year and after that I still had some time left with unemployment money (yes that social security system in the Netherlands is amazing and I am very grateful for that).
Looking back it took me over a year to feel a bit like of my old self again. If I don't have a fever of headache or diarrhea, let's say some real physical symptoms, I always think, not feeling well is something in my head and I am making it up or not trying hard enough. I am talking about than, feeling tired, especially mentally tired. I know now, at least for me, that is just part of the MC. And probably trying harder than necessary, pushing myself instead of listening to my body made it even takes longer and much more difficult.
This summer I more or less forced myself to go to Jordan, did not really prepare it, bought a ticket and rented a place for two weeks and just went. That was a hell of an experience; I was so overwhelmed by it, most of the times. It was also so difficult, because of the "state of mind" I left in. I had been ill, and my whole life in the year before has been focused on that disease.
There is still that voice in my head, I should have done more this or more that in the last two years of my life, when I was ill and at home, do more reading and research about Jordan, while I was there looking harder for a job, making friends, doing more things. In one or the other way, the last two years feels to me as "lost years" and years where "my life was on hold".
But also I realize, I just did what I could. On the other hand I don't want to use my MC as something to hide behind to run away from life. As an excuse why things don't happen or don't work, I hate that. I have had that feeling quite often the last two years. It's confusing. But even when I did, it is also useless to keep on looking back on it and blaming myself.
Most difficult part is, just letting things be the way they are. Don't fight them, don't wanting to control them. I have tried that many times the last months, especially in Jordan, to make things work. But it seems the more I tried, the less it seemed to work, until the last two weeks of my stay when I more or less stopped trying and "gave up". Not giving up on making up a life there, but "giving up trying".
I have exactly made the same mistake here, when I came back. And today, two great ideas of things I can do here, before I can leave again just "plopped" in my lap. Finally I am going to write my first Jordan article for a local (English) magazine here and I think I am going to do one talk about living in Jordan or something like that. Another thing I have been wanting to do for weeks now, but just don’t seem to happen (till now).
I really have considered not going back to Jordan and stay here the last couple of weeks. I have such a nice house here, life is so easy here for me. Looking for another job, maybe starting my own business. After my three months in Jordan, all these things sound so easy now.
But that would be the easy way out. The plan is now, going back to Jordan for another 6 months (at least). This time I want to rent my house out (I need the money). I am hoping to leave again mid-february. And than after that stay, this summer I will see again, if I sell my house here and life permanent there or move back here and build up a new life here or have a bit of live here and there. I will just wait and see.
What I was wondering about, are there others here, that besides getting the physical symptoms under control, struggling with getting your life back on track.
What MC has done to my life
Moderators: Rosie, Stanz, Jean, CAMary, moremuscle, JFR, Dee, xet, Peggy, Matthew, Gabes-Apg, grannyh, Gloria, Mars, starfire, Polly, Joefnh
What MC has done to my life
"As the sense of identity shifts from the imaginary person to your real being as presence awareness, the life of suffering dissolves like mist before the rising sun"
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natythingycolbery
- Rockhopper Penguin
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- Location: York, United Kingdom
Definitely. I see the world in a different light, now, because my perception of many, many aspects of life have changed - some slightly, some a lot. Maybe I need to move to Jordan, too.Harma wrote:What I was wondering about, are there others here, that besides getting the physical symptoms under control, struggling with getting your life back on track.
Tex
It is suspected that some of the hardest material known to science can be found in the skulls of GI specialists who insist that diet has nothing to do with the treatment of microscopic colitis.
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Gabes-Apg
- Emperor Penguin
- Posts: 8367
- Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:12 pm
- Location: Hunter Valley NSW Australia
Harma
the emptiness is that things are so different to what they were before MC, very basic functions like how we shop and and cook, what clothes we can and cant wear, how we approach situations is very different. We spend considerable amount of energy managing MC instead of enjoying life.
No matter how hard we work at attaining wellness, we dont always have total control of MC and that is exhausting and draining.
I recommend going for the option that is least stressful, least amount of work to exist day to day,
a drastic change in life will not fill the void that MC creates. being able to live and work without having to excert too much energy that is physical energy, mental energy and emotional energy is important. in the short period of time here I see the benefit of life with less intensity, I can enjoy wellness and the extra time.
big hugs, I hope you find the answer that your heart and mind want and find contentment
the emptiness is that things are so different to what they were before MC, very basic functions like how we shop and and cook, what clothes we can and cant wear, how we approach situations is very different. We spend considerable amount of energy managing MC instead of enjoying life.
No matter how hard we work at attaining wellness, we dont always have total control of MC and that is exhausting and draining.
I recommend going for the option that is least stressful, least amount of work to exist day to day,
a drastic change in life will not fill the void that MC creates. being able to live and work without having to excert too much energy that is physical energy, mental energy and emotional energy is important. in the short period of time here I see the benefit of life with less intensity, I can enjoy wellness and the extra time.
big hugs, I hope you find the answer that your heart and mind want and find contentment
Gabes Ryan
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
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Gabes-Apg
- Emperor Penguin
- Posts: 8367
- Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:12 pm
- Location: Hunter Valley NSW Australia
ok i am being very philosophical today... to add to my post above
I think sometimes due to this group and our attitude that we can sometimes make living with MC look easy?
reflecting on the the first 12 months of living with MC and working towards wellness and minimal symptoms, it is almost like training and accomplishing a climb of Mt Everest. It takes every ounce of our Physical, mental and emotional being to live with this condition, it takes months and years to figure out our nutrition, all the while we are monitoring Vit D and B12 levels and multiple other conditions that could eventuate due to the compromised nutrition intake. That doesnt even take into consideration those with multiple health conditions and the juggle of meds and treatments to manage everything and not impact on the MC.
maybe the void you are feeling is that you are not having to work soo hard to manage the MC?
you have worked hard, then climbed and reached the Mt Everest pinicle (attained reasonable control on MC) the feeling you have now is what next?
Harma what you have done is a real accomplishment, to get control on symptoms, be brave and go to another country with a different language is a HUGE accomplishment, and you did it!
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I think sometimes due to this group and our attitude that we can sometimes make living with MC look easy?
reflecting on the the first 12 months of living with MC and working towards wellness and minimal symptoms, it is almost like training and accomplishing a climb of Mt Everest. It takes every ounce of our Physical, mental and emotional being to live with this condition, it takes months and years to figure out our nutrition, all the while we are monitoring Vit D and B12 levels and multiple other conditions that could eventuate due to the compromised nutrition intake. That doesnt even take into consideration those with multiple health conditions and the juggle of meds and treatments to manage everything and not impact on the MC.
maybe the void you are feeling is that you are not having to work soo hard to manage the MC?
you have worked hard, then climbed and reached the Mt Everest pinicle (attained reasonable control on MC) the feeling you have now is what next?
Harma what you have done is a real accomplishment, to get control on symptoms, be brave and go to another country with a different language is a HUGE accomplishment, and you did it!
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Gabes Ryan
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
Very good point - you are in a philosophical mood.Gabes wrote:you have worked hard, then climbed and reached the Mt Everest pinicle (attained reasonable control on MC) the feeling you have now is what next?
Very few people are faced during their lifetime, with a challenge that equals the task of conquering this disease. It is without question, momentous, very gratifying, and definitely life-altering. I suppose that this may not apply to someone with only minor symptoms, but for those of us with a list of serious symptoms, and a disease so resistant to treatment, few other situations in life can equal the empowering feeling that comes with winning the war, and subduing the disease, IOW, getting our life back. It's not surprising that one could feel bored, (and maybe even confused), when turning one's attention back to dealing with the mundane world, after such an accomplishment, especially after such an adventure in a foreign country, to top it off.Tex
It is suspected that some of the hardest material known to science can be found in the skulls of GI specialists who insist that diet has nothing to do with the treatment of microscopic colitis.
Harma,
Like many people here, I have been reading your posts with great interest, as you are so open about what you're experiencing as you live your life. One thing that comes to mind is something you said when you first got to Jordan. Just so I wouldn't misquote you, I looked back and found the post. Here is what you said:
"I was hoping, finally make the move to come here (I have been wanting this, since my last visit in 2008,) in a split second my life energy would be back. Well, I didn’t. Where ever you go, you always bring yourself he and no quick fix. The positive thing is, whatever if is there holding back to get my life really back on track, I am finally dealing with it here. I have been on the run for something for over a year now. Quite ironic, being on the run for something and deal with it by running away from home."
I think those are very wise words that you may want to reflect back on as you ponder what to do next. Something I read a while back is similar, but perhaps takes this idea a step further: "The more you need a change, the more that change has to come from within". I think we all thirst for adventure and excitement, but in the final analysis, we create our own excitement, no matter where we are. For me I know it's true that it never works to look "externally" for a sense of fulfillment.
As for conquering MC, I think Tex had it right when he said the following in a previous post:
"....once you conquer the disease, and get your life back, a most exhilarating feeling comes over you, as you realize that what you have accomplished, against seemingly impossible odds, means you can do virtually anything that you set your mind to."
It seems to me that rather than being a wasted 2 years, you accomplished a great deal - number 1. you conquered MC, and number 2. you fulfilled your dream of going back to Jordan to explore it further. It is probably normal for someone to feel a little lost and unfocused after having put so much energy into two such monumental tasks.
As for what MC has done to me, I would have to say that it has humbled me and made me more "human" and tolerant of others. Any cockiness that I might have felt in my life is pretty much erased. Since I have lost a lot of weight (20 lbs. in half a year), I'm not very happy when I look at myself in the mirror. I can see signs of aging that I didn't see before, because my face is starting to droop. So I struggle with accepting this change. Tonight I'm going to meet with 11 other women to play a dice game. We all take turns hosting the party, and get together once a month. It used to be so much fun, but now I'm dreading it, because I can no longer participate in the eating and drinking. Also, since they have witnessed the change that has taken place in me, I know that I will be subject to scrutiny and questions.
However, I try to look at all this as just part of life - the only constant in life is "change". Trying to find the silver lining in living with MC is sometimes hard, but the bottom line for me consists of two major things: I am learning how to cook and because of having to eat a much healthier diet, I believe that my health will eventually be better than ever.
Well, this post became a lot longer than I intended. You really made me think with your question!!! I hope you will find contentment and happiness with yourself, no matter where you choose to live. Best of luck to you - and as always, I look forward to your next post about your "journey". Thanks so much for letting us share in your experiences by posting here.
Love,
Kari
Like many people here, I have been reading your posts with great interest, as you are so open about what you're experiencing as you live your life. One thing that comes to mind is something you said when you first got to Jordan. Just so I wouldn't misquote you, I looked back and found the post. Here is what you said:
"I was hoping, finally make the move to come here (I have been wanting this, since my last visit in 2008,) in a split second my life energy would be back. Well, I didn’t. Where ever you go, you always bring yourself he and no quick fix. The positive thing is, whatever if is there holding back to get my life really back on track, I am finally dealing with it here. I have been on the run for something for over a year now. Quite ironic, being on the run for something and deal with it by running away from home."
I think those are very wise words that you may want to reflect back on as you ponder what to do next. Something I read a while back is similar, but perhaps takes this idea a step further: "The more you need a change, the more that change has to come from within". I think we all thirst for adventure and excitement, but in the final analysis, we create our own excitement, no matter where we are. For me I know it's true that it never works to look "externally" for a sense of fulfillment.
As for conquering MC, I think Tex had it right when he said the following in a previous post:
"....once you conquer the disease, and get your life back, a most exhilarating feeling comes over you, as you realize that what you have accomplished, against seemingly impossible odds, means you can do virtually anything that you set your mind to."
It seems to me that rather than being a wasted 2 years, you accomplished a great deal - number 1. you conquered MC, and number 2. you fulfilled your dream of going back to Jordan to explore it further. It is probably normal for someone to feel a little lost and unfocused after having put so much energy into two such monumental tasks.
As for what MC has done to me, I would have to say that it has humbled me and made me more "human" and tolerant of others. Any cockiness that I might have felt in my life is pretty much erased. Since I have lost a lot of weight (20 lbs. in half a year), I'm not very happy when I look at myself in the mirror. I can see signs of aging that I didn't see before, because my face is starting to droop. So I struggle with accepting this change. Tonight I'm going to meet with 11 other women to play a dice game. We all take turns hosting the party, and get together once a month. It used to be so much fun, but now I'm dreading it, because I can no longer participate in the eating and drinking. Also, since they have witnessed the change that has taken place in me, I know that I will be subject to scrutiny and questions.
However, I try to look at all this as just part of life - the only constant in life is "change". Trying to find the silver lining in living with MC is sometimes hard, but the bottom line for me consists of two major things: I am learning how to cook and because of having to eat a much healthier diet, I believe that my health will eventually be better than ever.
Well, this post became a lot longer than I intended. You really made me think with your question!!! I hope you will find contentment and happiness with yourself, no matter where you choose to live. Best of luck to you - and as always, I look forward to your next post about your "journey". Thanks so much for letting us share in your experiences by posting here.
Love,
Kari
"My mouth waters whenever I pass a bakery shop and sniff the aroma of fresh bread, but I am also grateful simply to be alive and sniffing." Dr. Bernstein
oh yeah, MC ruined my life. I was a fairly youthful good looking woman at 47 until MC struck me down. I was dating a man that I felt could lead to marriage, when I got sick, and I was too sick and embarrassed to tell him I had diarrhea all the time, so I had to quit seeing him.
I had a great job and had to quit because I was deathly ill, and now I live at the poverty level on SS.
I am now 57 and alone with MC. I have lost 10-12 lbs and too skinny and sick to feel good about myself, only about 108lbs now, maybe less, I am afraid to get on a scale. No dating prospects for me now.
Although, I am determined to beat this disease, I know I could be sick for many years before I go into remission again.
I do keep a positive attitude and I stay busy, but MC radically changed my life and definitely not for the better.
I had a great job and had to quit because I was deathly ill, and now I live at the poverty level on SS.
I am now 57 and alone with MC. I have lost 10-12 lbs and too skinny and sick to feel good about myself, only about 108lbs now, maybe less, I am afraid to get on a scale. No dating prospects for me now.
Although, I am determined to beat this disease, I know I could be sick for many years before I go into remission again.
I do keep a positive attitude and I stay busy, but MC radically changed my life and definitely not for the better.
Dear Harma--
I do indeed know that empty feeling. I struggle with feeling worthless and useless, and have also had that voice berating me for not doing more. What I finally had to do was learn to be kind to myself. MC took away the life I thought I was supposed to have. I am just now beginning to adjust my expectations of what I can do. I don't think I will ever get my old life back, but I think I will manage to build a new one. This is only my opinion, but is your support system (friends & family) better in Jordan or in the Netherlands? Just something I would consider....and again only my thought.
Sending all my thoughts, support, prayers, and empathy to you,
Maggie
I do indeed know that empty feeling. I struggle with feeling worthless and useless, and have also had that voice berating me for not doing more. What I finally had to do was learn to be kind to myself. MC took away the life I thought I was supposed to have. I am just now beginning to adjust my expectations of what I can do. I don't think I will ever get my old life back, but I think I will manage to build a new one. This is only my opinion, but is your support system (friends & family) better in Jordan or in the Netherlands? Just something I would consider....and again only my thought.
Sending all my thoughts, support, prayers, and empathy to you,
Maggie