2011 is not my year at all!

natythingycolbery · Post by **natythingycolbery** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 4:37 am

... Well apart from the odd cold and the mini meltdown at the start of this year, my health is ok.

In terms of my family it really isn't good.

A few weeks ago my brother ran away from home (he is 25), at the time my parents told me that they didn't know why. So when I went home and saw my brither had returned and no one had told me I was a bit confused. Now, however I have the full story and that makes sense.

I returned home from uni on thursday night for the weekend and got told by my parents that they where having a trial seperation, they are not sure how long it will be for or anything.

This news obviouslly really upset me as I wasn't expecting it. I have known that something wasn't quite right for a while but they always told me not to worry.

My sister was told about this just after new year because my mum broke down and started crying on her. My brother found out a few weeks ago, and this is why he ran away. My parents didn't want me to hear about this until I go home as they wanted me to hear it face to face. My brother felt this wasn't fair, and he didn't trust himself to not say anything to me so he felt that the solution was to dissapear for a while.

Anyway, after I found out last night, my brother took me aside and explained several things to me about what has been going on.

My brother found out about what was happening between my mum and dad when my sister contacted him to tell him that she was in a&e with my mum because she had od'd as she 'just wanted to sleep'

She od'd again on tuesday, but she was also drunk at the time and can't remember this. My mother hasn't had an alcoholic drink in my lifetime.

She also hasn't been eating properly since her and my dad started having these problems in November. Shes also been off work pretty much constantly since she had an op in September, which is around the time she accused dad of the affair.

I spent friday with my mother by myself and it scared me, she spent the whole time listening to songs and every song she connected to a memory with my dad. She also was telling me that its her fault they are splitting and that she thinks he is having an affair, because she went off to meet a woman a few weeks ago and is being very secretive. my brother and sister have talked to my dad and they believe that my dad isn't having an affair. I haven't had chance to talk to him by myself yet.

My dad has done the exact opposite, he has gone into his shell and isn't talking to any of us.

He's moving out after I have left, they wanted me to have one more weekend of normality... it's not really that when they aren't talking to each other.

Too be honest, I'm really suprised this is not causing me to have a flare as this is a really stressful thing! And also I'm not 100% sure why I posted this. My parents don't want me to tell anyone, but i can't not say anything, i'm going mad!

Mags · Post by **Mags** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:53 am

Oh Katy-

How absolutely awful for you. Whether or not your father had an affair, it does seem your mom is having some kind of breakdown. It is common for families to keep things from us when we have depression and MC, thinking they are doing us some kind of favor, when the fallout just makes things ten times worse. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My heart goes out to you. I hope you have a strong relationship with your siblings; if you can count on each other, it can make things easier.

Love,

Maggie

Joefnh · Post by **Joefnh** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:28 am

Katy that's a tough situation for you and your family and I do hope that this works out for the best for all member of the family. Like Maggie stated I do hope you and your siblings can be there for each other, while this situation works itself out. It does sound like you mother is going through a personally tough time as well. Is you mother able to seek some counseling, maybe with family member with her for support?

I hope all goes well for you and your family Katy.

Take care

--joe

MaggieRedwings · Post by **MaggieRedwings** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:10 am

HI Kathy,

What a tough situation to be in right now. You and your family are in my prayers and I pray that things get better.

Maggie

Celie · Post by **Celie** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:30 am

I am so sorry! I know this is hard. Please take care of yourself. If you can't get your mom to a counselor, go yourself. Go anyway. It will help you make sense of things. I will be praying for you and all your family. Sounds like everyone is hurting.

Celie

Linda in BC · Post by **Linda in BC** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:48 am

Oh, Naty-Katy.. so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is very hard at any age , to have your parents split up. When I was 17 and over on a four month trip to Europe, my mom and dad did the same thing.. for the same reason, only my dad really did have the affair. I remember feeling so helpless and torn when I got the letter telling me, as I was so far away and could do nothing. In the end, they actually got back together after only a brief separation, and spent the rest of their lives togther, a total of 60 years married. I am still not sure if that was the best thing or not, for either of them.

IMHO also, I think getting yourself and or your mom to a counsellor is the best thing you could do. Or even both your Mom and Dad in to see a marriage counsellor. If your dad has shut down, nothing will get resolved until he can talk about things.

You wil be in my thoughts and prayers,
Love
Linda

TooManyHats · Post by **TooManyHats** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 1:43 pm

I'm so sorry you're going though this. You may find a LOT of benefit from either Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. Please try to see if either of these programs are available in your area. They are for the families of a person with substance abuse issues, and it sounds as though your mom may have developed a problem.

natythingycolbery · Post by **natythingycolbery** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 4:30 am

Hey All:

Thank you so much for your kind words. In a way I'm luckier than my sibllings with this issue, as I live out of town most of the time. However I do kind of want to be at home to be there for all my family. My mother started counselling last week aparently and is going again for a while which is good as she is seeking the help she really does need, I also believe my sister went with her last week, i'm not sure about this week though. My Dad however, isn't talking to anyone about it, he refuses to get any help or anything.

I'm just working up the energy to go to counselling here at uni. I'm a bit like my dad in the sense i hate talking to people in person about this sort of thing, but I do know I need to.

JLH · Post by **JLH** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 10:19 am

So sorry to hear your news. I'm sure it was hard to share but we are family. I hope things get better soon.

:bigbighug:

Joefnh · Post by **Joefnh** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:55 am

Katy trust me you will be doing yourself and your family a favor by seeking out a local counselor, you will feel better and be better equipped to help out your family as needed. Take advantage of the services there. This can only help.

--Joe

Gloria · Post by **Gloria** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 2:58 pm

Katy,

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this ordeal. I hope the counseling helps your mother. I'm hoping she is wrong about your father being unfaithful and she just needs to get her head clear. Perhaps your father is hurt that he's been incorrectly accused of being unfaithful and doesn't know how to respond. That's my hope, anyway.

I also was away at college when I learned that my parents were divorcing. I quit college and came home to be a mother to my three brothers (my mother left my dad). I'm not sure it was the right thing to do, and I wouldn't recommend that you change your plans. We can't really tell our parents what to do; they have to work these things out themselves. Nonetheless, it is heart-breaking.

Gloria

ant · Post by **ant** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:26 am

Dear Katy

So sorry that you and your family are going through this. Especially with all you have been through with MC and all. Glade your mum is getting counseling and you are thinking about it. Look after yourself...... and know we are all with you.

Best wishes, ant

natythingycolbery · Post by **natythingycolbery** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:13 pm

I've made the decision to go against my parents wishes and tell the uni what is happening as it is really affecting my ability to work again.

Joefnh · Post by **Joefnh** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:20 pm

Good for you Katy. I am glad you are taking yourself and your well being into account. We cannot stop the actions of our family members, but we can choose to take control of our lives and make the best decisions to maintain our physical and emotional health.

Best wishes Katy

--Joe

PS: Nurse Nestle sends about 1000 tail wags your way

Kari · Post by **Kari** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:55 pm

Dear Naty,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your family's troubles. My parents broke up when I was 21 and had already left my home country, but it hurt nevertheless, as I lost the security of knowing that I could go back to my "safe" nest.

Anyhow, as Joe said, you have to think of yourself and your own "survival" first and foremost. Unless you take good care of yourself, you will not be able to be a support to your parents, who are going through such a difficult transition. I hope and pray that you will all be OK, and that things will work out for the best.

I think you can use a couple of these:

:bigbighug:

Love and more hugs,
Kari