A Message from Jodi (Jodi asked me to post this)

[JLH]

"Hi Joan:
I promise to check out my birthday wishes soon. You need to know that on Jan. 6th I had an emotional breakdown since David's death. I had to live with my oldest daughter & her family until I could find another apt. for myself. My feelings, emotions & mental state right now is pretty sensitive even on my good days. Please tell everyone 'hello' & I love them all very much & miss them. I'm just not where I should be in the grief stages yet. I have 1 on 1 therapy once a week & a Support Group Session every Thurs. a.m. I'm so sorry I let all of you down. I truly didn't mean to.
Love You All:
Jodi"

I assured her that she did not let any of us down and that there is no timeline for grieving.

[JLH]

I want you to tell PP the truth. I'm no longer ashamed as I now know all people who lose a spouse sometimes grieve in many different ways. I just got stuck in the Stages of Denial, Withdrawl & Acknowledgement. By the time I had the emotional breakdown my weight loss was at a very dangerous low of 71 lbs. My whole world and purpose in life was David as well as his caregiver because of his illness for almost 16 yrs. When David died and once the Stage of Shock wore off I found myself, physically, mentally, emotionally & medically EXHAUSTED!
This will sound crazy but using words such as: death, dead, died or widow were not part of my vocabulary and God Help anyone who used them within my hearing. It didn't hurt so bad if the words: passed away, lost or gone were used as it softened the reality of David deaths. I've come a long ways but not quite where I'm supose to be just yet.
I was have uncharacteristic outburst as well as behavior. Sometimes friends and family would avoid or change the subject if I wanted to talk about David. If they called and asked how I was doing and I said; "Today's been a rough day." once again the subject would change or the phone call ended quickly. For 7 months I played a very unhealthy game of pleasing everyone. It didn't take me long to figure out the answers or behaviors people wanted and expected of me. I told them I was fine when I wasn't. I kept everything inside instead of talking.
As my therapist informed me, eventually, one way or another you were going to have to deal with reality which almost cost me my life as well as my sanity. I even lived from day to day as I always did when David was alive. Now I'm in a new home, my home ~ with no constant memories or nightmares that came every night of the day David died in my arms.
My very dear friend Karen even tried to inform my kids that they needed to watch out for me because both her and her husband who checked on me regularly felt I was holding on too long instead of letting go. They were right. My children once the breakdown happened ended up feeling guilty because they didn't listen and to this day I'm still trying to do damage control to rebuild my relationship with my son & daughter-in-law who took some real nasty verbal hits from me the night of the breakdown. My son feels pulled in half with his love for his wife, daughter and his mother. His wife has only allowed me to see Bailey once since Jan.6th and she allowed me to talk to her once since then on my birthday.
My family is all I have left and I don't seem to beable to make my daughter-in-law understand that though my words were hurtful and I didn't mean them I was sick. She's chosen the attitude that she's protecting Bailey from ever being hurt by me.
You have my permission to copy & paste both e-mails and post them for PP to see. And please let Tex know I didn't mean to let him or anyone else down. And that I'm doing my best with the help of my therapist and my Group Sessions to find a New Normal without David. I'm also confident that in the end I will be stronger than before and that God has a plan for me even if I don't quite know yet what my purpose to others could possibly be.
Love You All:
Jodi

[MaggieRedwings]

Jodi dear you are in my prayers and I know you will pull through this. So much has occurred in your life and it has just come to a head with David's passing. You are thought of daily in my life and the ever present doiley you made for me sits proudly on the dining room table. A constant reminder of your thoughtfulness and love.

Love, Maggie

[tex]

Dear Jodi,

Please don't feel that you let any of us down. We, (of all people), understand how life can get to be overwhelming at times, and we certainly understand that you've been under an extreme amount of stress.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that we are always here for you.

Love,
Tex

[JLH]

I emailed your posts to Jodi just in case she doesn't check back to the PP for a while. Thanks.

[Gloria]

Oh, Jodi,

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so badly. I've been worrying about you and wondering how you've been. I hope that your therapy is helping you. Your weight is very concerning - please try to eat.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that you will get better and learn to love life once again.

Love,
Gloria

[starfire]

Hang in there, Jodi.

Love, Shirley

[Gabes-Apg]

Joan
thanks for being the 'arch angel gabriel' being the messenger......

I hope that she and everyone around her can find peace and harmony in their relationships.
and most definately she has not let anyone down, i am in awe of her strength and courage and openess to write that email.

like MC, there is no right way or wrong to grieve.... there is her way.....