Feeling stupid for being mad

[IDreamInColor]

This time of year I am usually buying lots and lots of flour, brown sugar, eggs, and all the makings for some really yummy holidays goodies, I've been a mega baker my whole life. I have always gone way overboard with the holiday baking, my family, friends, and neighbors depend on me :)
This will be my first holiday gluten free, and I'm feeling the bum factor from it. It's like all my holiday traditions have to change, and I'm hating it. The special holiday breakfast that I've made for my family for 25 years is now a "no more." Of course I'll still make it for them, while I sit and eat a piece of udi's toast instead, just doesn't seem right.
I know it will be ok, and I'll figure out substitutes and all, but I'm mad at the whole thing, I want things to go back to normal, I'm mad that all those warm traditions have to change, I'm mad that my house won't smell like a bakery anymore :) I'm mad that gluten free foods cost me triple what regular foods cost...why do sick people get penalized with cost, not fair, not fair! I mean, $6.20 for a loaf of bread? I have to stretch that loaf of bread for a long time at that cost.
Did anyone else go thru a mad period with this disease? I'm feeling really stupid for feeling this, I mean it's just food, it shouldn't cause me to feel this way.
Vent over :)

[Joefnh]

In a word IDream YES I do get mad...

With that said, I was doing my weekly shopping and thinking the same thing. I saw all the specials on all of the goodies that I would normal look forward to eating, not this year.

I had a long phone call with my sister who is doing thanksgiving dinner this year and she was angry at the all the special requirements that I have.. So I will be making my own dinner to take with me for Thursday.. This is certainly a new experience.

Hang in there Idream and keep on a rantin it does help

--Joe

[IDreamInColor]

Joe, I'm sorry your sister was mad about the requirements. I'll be making my own dinner as well. Ya know what else really bothers me, when people say, "oh come on, a little bit won't hurt you." It makes me feel like I'm being stupid for avoiding the gluten. I know it's just because they don't understand. It's just hard sometimes.

[Joefnh]

I love that statement IDream, I hear that about once a month... My sister and her husband are quite a pair, very military (he is a colonel in special operations) so his mentality is just take your pills and suck it up... I wish they could walk in our shoes for one month, there tone would change.

Well I think we here should plan a PP GF/DF/YF/LF thanksgiving get together

I read earlier how you like to bake, have you been able to transform your talents for MC friendly baking?

--Joe

[IDreamInColor]

No, my wedding cake making came to an end in August of 2005. I started feeling ill, all the time, and by December I was bedridden, unable to eat, and my hair was falling out in clumps along with a host of other symptoms including D. I was hospitalized just before Christmas while they ran all kinds of tests. Come to find out I had graves disease and it was out of control, numbers off the chart. I also have a suspicion that this is when the MC started because the D continued from then all the way till now, 5 years worth. I told the docs about the D, and they just said it's something I had to live with because it goes along with graves disease. I had a wedding that January of 2005, and I was so sick there was absolutely no way I could have done it. I had to call upon another cake decorating friend and gave her my orders. It wasn't until April of 2006 where I began to come around. During that whole mess the agoraphobia and anxiety took hold of me and I was unable to deliver wedding cakes anymore. It was at that point where I decided to give up my 20 year long endeavor of wedding cakes. It was very sad for me to let it go, but it was what it was. When I look back now it feels like I don't even know the person I was before illness struck. Everything changed.

[Joefnh]

IDream that's a rough run that you had. These diseases really can take a toll on us. The hard part is to learn to live with them and gaining our lives back. For me this year it has been one step at a time. I cannot compare to what you have been through and am encouraged by your attitude. For me this has been a 10 year run of pain and fatigue that culminated last April with D and pain and finally a diagnosis of CC and Crohns. I was out of work for a little over a month and have been struggling to keep up with a 40 hour work week since.

I am sorry that your 20 year hobby / business is on hold for now, do you find that your experience helps you cook for yourself? I find that I am having to learn how to cook for myself now and learn all about ingredients and reading the labels etc.. prior to this it was just go to a local restaurant. I am afraid my kitchen skills are still severely lacking.
I have also found that with my limited energy that my circle of 'friends' has changed dramatically.

Was the onset of the agoraphobia related to the graves? I have a second cousin with graves that also has agoraphobia and it seems in her case that the onset of graves corresponded to the anxiety.

--Joe

[Deb]

Hi all,
I am a new member. I went to the doctor in August after a month of cramping and diarrhea. Initial testing looked for a bacteria and when that proved negative I went for a colonoscopy and lymphocytic colitis was
diagnosed. My blood work was negative for celiac. However after finding and reading this forum and others
I decided to have a test done with Enterolab and my anti gliadin was 510! I then decided to go gluten free.
I still have bouts but things have improved drastically. I think that I am fortunate that I was diagnosed so
quickly, especially after reading about some of your stories. I was already changing my diet (no white flour,
minimal sugar, etc., sprouted flours, low carb etc) after some pretty severe acid reflux, etc. so it was perhaps a little less drastic of a change than some.HOWEVER, I told my DH today that I have gone through a grieving period, not unlike after a death. I felt denial, anger, etc. when I thought I could no longer have my favorite holiday meals, etc. It's hard to internalize I can no longer have a piece of a favorite dessert or a nice piece of crusty sour dough bread. Cooking has been a passion for me and you can bet I will try to replicate what I can. I hope that is possible.
Anyways, thanks for your honesty and support and I look forward to sharing with ya'll here. Deb

[tex]

When I look back now it feels like I don't even know the person I was before illness struck. Everything changed.

I believe that almost all of us can see a little of ourselves in your comments. It's kind of sad to realize that we can never go back to those "care-free" days, but of course, that's true of a lot of the changes in our lives, (not just the ones due to MC).

From Wikipedia, describing the 5 stages of grief that we all go through:

The progression of states is:[2]

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of positions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his mortality or that of his loved one.

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.

Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[2]

Significantly, people experiencing (or caretakers observing) the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.

Tex

[IDreamInColor]

Joe, my goodness, 10 years?!! That's an aweful long time, thank goodness you got a diagnosis and can hopefully work your way to feeling better. As far as the agoraphobia, the graves didn't cause it, because I've had it all my life, even as a little girl, I'm 44 now. However, when the graves took me for a nosedive the agoraphobia increased 10 fold until I became pretty well housebound. Sometimes I am able to make a quick trip to the store and back, but I have been known to leave a grocery cart full of groceries and run out of the store, quite embarrasing,lol And sometimes I don't even make it to the store and I have to turn around and go home. The agoraphobia runs rampant on my dads side of the family, they all have it to one degree or another. I wish I would have inherited my grams beautiful smile instead of the agoraphobia,lol I've done lots of reading on graves disease, and studies have shown that the anxiety and all that can be part of the thyroid disease.

Hello Deb, I agree with you, it's like we have to go thru a mourning process with our favorite foods. I was doing just fine until now, with the holidays approaching and everything has to change, typically by now the baking preparation is underway. It's just all different this year but we'll work it out, right? I hope you continue to do well with your diet changes.

[tex]

Hi Deb,

Welcome to our internet family. As you can see from my post above, we all go through those stages of grief, so you are right on target, and probably already ahead of the game. You seem to definitely be on the right track to achieve remission. Good for you, for being proactive with your treatment.

Please be aware that most of us are also sensitive to dairy products, and about half of us are sensitive to soy. Some have other sensitivities that they have to deal with, also.

If you need any recipe ideas, Dee's Kitchen has several hundred proven gluten-free, dairy-free, and soy-free recipes, including suggestions for making substitutions, when necessary:

http://www.perskyfarms.com/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=7

Again, welcome aboard, and please feel free to ask anything.

Tex

[hoosier1]

LOL...

Idream... I just went to the health food store tonight to buy my $6.00 load of Rudi's bread. It is a crime. Not sure if it is really worth it. But what are our alternatives? Mainstream food is inexpensive, relatively speaking, because of the demand and volume. Gluten-free simply doesn't have the same demand. At least, not yet.

Fortunately (I guess) for me is that 90% of my food bill goes on my expense account. Unfortunately, this is because I am rarely home.

Cheer up. You will adjust. I am... albeit very slowly.

Rich

[hoosier1]

Hey Joe,

You are welcome to come to Indiana for thanksgiving. My mother is going all out to make a meal that is safe for us. I hope your sister is mad at the disease, and not you. You don't deserve that.

Rich

[tex]

But what are our alternatives?

Corn tortillas are cheaper than bread, and make good wraparounds, but you have to read the label, because apparently in some parts of the country they aren't GF.

Fortunately (I guess) for me is that 90% of my food bill goes on my expense account. Unfortunately, this is because I am rarely home.

It's hard to win, isn't it.

Tex

[JLH]

Let me know if your sister ever gets MC so I can laugh.

[hoosier1]

You got that right Tex.

Had an up and down week in Denver.

BTW, have you ever heard of the so-called conspiracy theory that the Denver airport is built over a large military bunker. There are also a lot of strange murals about the apocalypse, etc. in the airport. It is an odd place and in a very isolated area.

Rich