how difficult times can change for the good.

harma · Post by **harma** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:55 am

Below I have written a story about my stay in Amman, how things are going and how a difficult time now seems finally to turn into something positive. I wanted to share this with you potty people, because (although I have not been posting a lot lately) you are very important to me. Mentally and physically this board has been and still is a life saver. MC tend to change are life's on many levels. For the bad and for the good. But still if you are new with this disease, and discovering you way to remission. Life does not end with MC, it is still possible to make huge life changes. My moving plans to Jordan I had already before the MC started, it did not call of the plans, only postponed it for a year (or two). I hope that my story can be inspiration for others here.

How I am doing in Amman? Well I am back here since March this year, life has not particular been easy. Lots of uncertainties, emotional stuff, housing issues. In the first 6 weeks I had to move 4 times and for a month staying with friends (I am not very good in sharing, love being on my own and having my privacy), emotional stuff of a fling with a guy was involved with last year here and of course the flare up of the MC made things not very easy. Also I put a lot of energy (really too much) in job opportunity that I was so convinced of, I was the right person, didn’t work out. From my perspective I applied to all their requirements (speaking Dutch and English, learning Arabic) + I live here, know people here and the city. I was even invited for an interview. Plus two other applications, I am still waiting for answer. It gave me the feeling everything I tried, it are dead end roads or doors that keep closed. I think this all together is what they call, having to face yourself, experience your limits and also experience the limited control we have over our life. A learning experience. But also voices in my head, you should work harder, try harder, do more!!!! Feeling guilty and totally empty disconnected and not inspired at all.

I did do some things, I started an intensive Arabic class four weeks ago (and will last for another four weeks) four mornings a week. So that keeps my busy (to a certain level) during the week. First weeks I was dead after class and had a lot of headaches, was so overwhelmed by it. But bit by bit it is getting somewhere, my Arabic is improving. I can make short sentences, if I hear a radio or people talking I do pick up words (still no idea what they talk about) and new grammar I think of “I will never learn this”, well I do learn it. Also my perspective starts to shift, instead of thinking I should work harder and spend more time on my Arabic I think now “well comparing to last year when I arrived here, it’s a huge improvement”, small slow steps are also steps forward.
Also over the last weeks my social life suddenly improves, I am making new friends, friends that call my, invite me to join them for a movie or a work/social gathering to their house. That is so funny, as long as I kept on trying, it never worked and once I gave up and starting taking control of it myself (read organise things myself), it starts coming (back) to you.

Also I am getting a clearer picture of what I want to do here and where I want to lve. I don’t want to stay in Amman. I want to live in the area of the ancient city Petra. Working field, I would like to be self-employed (actually can work everywhere there is internet and phone) and I tend to think about the intercultural-development field. Of course this is still very phage, but for me, having been wondering what on earth I am going to do here, these are huge steps.
I decided to invest some money into myself and hired a counsellor/coach. She is an incredible person, who is capable of combining a the “spiritual connected to your inner/higher self” life with the normal life in which we have to make a living, pay rent or mortgage, buy food, interact with the normal world. The idea of following your heart and dreams, but also stay connected to everyday life. Exactly what I need at the moment. Since I have made that decision last week, to contact and contract here, things have started to change.
Oh the details are still missing and I still have a long way to go, but finally after more than two years I start to get a picture again of what I want with my life. A lot of uncertainties are coming up next month, my Arabic course will finish and I have to move again. But this time I have a plan now. Move out, stay with a short week with a friend friend until the end of the course, go back to Holland for about three weeks. Put my house on the market, return mid-September. First to Amman, it seems I already found a place where I can stay for another 6 months. During these months develop and build up my business and move out to Petra.

Of course a lot is still insecure. But I learned that it all starts with knowing what I want in life and my experience is, if I focus on this, put our energy on it, work hard and not afraid of taking some (calculated) risks, I will get there.

I have the feeling I have beaten my crisis of the last four months, or better said, the crisis of the last two years ever since my MC has started, and finally getting back in my feet and have the energy to focus in my future again.

dgshelton · Post by **dgshelton** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:10 am

Well done, Harma! A wonderful testament to how good life can be after MC. I am so happy for you!

Hugs,

Post by **tex** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:18 am

Harma,

I agree that you seem to be getting your life back on track and things should go more smoothly, in the future.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences - they're always inspiring, and they also inspire introspection in all of us.

Tex

MaggieRedwings · Post by **MaggieRedwings** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:46 am

Good Day Harma,

You so inspire me and what you wrote has made me look at some hard decisions on my part so far as where Frank & I really want to live, when I need to face the retirement age (very soon) and doing it on limited funds but being happy. Honestly, I am happy whereever Frank & I are. We both have been talking a lot lately on this.

You are such a determined and inspiring woman. I wish you only the best and so look forward to your posts.

Thanks and Love, Maggie

Martha · Post by **Martha** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:42 pm

Hi, Harma,

I was just thinking about you this morning, and wondering how things were going for you, and this afternoon I see that you have posted an update! So good to hear from you.

I'm glad that you are getting more of a feel of what you want to do, where you want to live, etc. On the language thing, I can speak from experience of having learned several languages while living in that country. You will get from the point where you totally lose the train of the sentence when someone uses a word you don't know, to the point where you will understand the whole sentence except for that word, and be able to ask, "Now, what does xxx mean?" That's a great feeling!

Love,
Martha

Martha · Post by **Martha** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:43 pm

That xxx was supposed to be in italics. Obviously I don't know how to do that.

sarkin · Post by **sarkin** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:00 pm

Harma,

This is a wonderful update, with great perspective. Thank you for sharing it - it's wonderful that we can help each other in many inspirational and aspirational ways (and not only with symptoms... but that, too). You're a great example that MC doesn't have to drive our lives, but in fact can push us to see what is really important. I look forward to your upcoming adventures (those sheep pictures in your other post were amazing, btw).

All my best,
Sara

maestraz · Post by **maestraz** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:38 pm

Harma,
I, too, have experienced the disconnect of living in a foreign country, learning a language (though never a language with a wholly different alphabet). Good for you. And, in today's world, I think learning Arabic is a good thing--anything that can further understanding among us is a positive thing.

Your post made me think of a line from one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver:
" Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

sarkin · Post by **sarkin** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 7:08 pm

Suze, I love that quote and that poem!

And here's another from Mary Oliver...

It doesn't have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try
to make them elaborate, this isn't
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.

That one's entitled 'Prayer' - but I think it applies to just about everything. Including being here. (I love it so much I've set it to music.)

And Harma - here is a link to the full poem Suze has so wonderfully connected to your philosophical moment:

http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html

Enjoy,

Sara

Post by **tex** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:33 pm

Martha,

To italicize a phrase, just highlight the phrase, and then click on the little box that contains the "i" above the message composing window. The system will automatically insert the correct starting and ending code into your post.

Tex