Depression

[jenilake]

Hi everyone,

I don't talk on the board too often, I feel too inhibited to reveal myself.

I can't sleep tonight, and I need to talk to someone. I can't think of anyone better than all of you. Nothing has happened to me that is new, nothing that hasn't always been a part of my life.

I am trying to understand why so many people die that shouldn't, or have illnesses that they shouldn't. I mean they are so young, or full of life, want life so much.

I am 61, and have had a good life, no cancer yet, no life threatening illness. I have had several people that were important to me in my life die. Each one of them took away a part of me, to the point that I really don't live life the way I should. I feel like I take up a space that should be occupied by someone who really wants to be here. I don't understand why I'm here and those who really want to be here were taken away.

I have a history of depression in my family, but I don't feel depressed, even though I have gone off my meds.

I have thought for about fifteen years that I would like to just go to sleep and not wake up. I couldn't take my life, that would be too selfish. I just don't understand why when I have felt that way so long, why am I still here and people who want to be here are taken away. I believe in God and an after life, so I am not afraid to die.

My main thought is why do I stay here and others who want to be here are taken away? I know you don't have the answer, but I need to talk to someone. My Psychiatrist is out of town on a family emergency.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

Please feel free to delete this Tex, I just needed to vent.

Kathyp

[Mars]

to you Kathyp,

I think we all wonder why heaven just can't wait for certain people; too soon, in our oppinion. It's just not for us to know, I guess. Heaven needs them more than we do. That's MY answer.

When our thoughts are consumed by something like this, maybe meds would help focus on other things. Does your psychiatrist have someone on-call who you could reach? I know it's not the same, but he/she might help.

I'm glad you are able to talk to us! We have such broad shoulders and offer love and hugs ALWAYS! Hope you're feeling that across the internet miles!!!!!

Take care of yourself!

Love,
Mars

[barbaranoela]

My dear Kathy---
My feelings are just like yours----and I bet many of us feel the same---

U sound like U R speaking my thoughts too-
I say the same--I feel the same---and as much as we cant find an answer--we have to BELIEVE the REASON for the sad things that happen in our lives----

When my dearest friend ,Noreen, pased away @ age 52 I was so angry-furious with GOD---and when the Priest came to her house to offer kind words to Dan and Diane( one of her 5 kids) I thought *how nice* BUT when he said---*Noreen has done her job here on earth and its time for her to go*---I wanted to jump up and scream @ him---*NO, NO she is NEEDED here---with us---with her family---and Dan, Noreen,me and Louie were going to grow old together and see the world!!!
I didnt have to do this cus Diane jumped up into the face of the priest and said almost what I was thinking

Noreen was soon to be a granny----she never got to see any of her grandkids---nor see her 5 kids grow and achieve their goals in life--

Why Noreen---why any good person---why not the SCUM that still live??
It is as Margie said---Heaven needs them more!!!
And why my dad,also @ age 52---AND my brother--
When we moved to this house--my dad couldnt wait till the summer--to see the green country side--and enjoy sitting in a backyard- --2 months after we settled in--my dad died suddently---I hated God @ that point--

I have a hard time with accepting that---but if this be God's plan then it must be for a good reason...

I guess we have to think--one day we will be with all those whom we have lost
-

We are always here---
luve Barbara

[tex]

Hi Kathy,

We're here to support each other, in any way we can, so there is certainly nothing wrong with what you posted. You've raised a deep, philosophical question, that often comes to mind for many of us, and as Mars said, no one can really answer that question.

And, just as Barbara said, I find myself in the same situation that you mention, (and probably everyone here has had the same experience), where we have lost friends and/or family members whose loss not only took away companionship, and all the benefits that came with their love and friendship, but their passing actually closed a curtain to certain "rooms" in our lives, and permanently altered the way that we perceive ourselves, and the world that we live in. IOW, we will never be the same.

I'm no psychologist, but I have spent a fair amount of time studying psychology, and I believe that this type of permanent altering of our psyche, is much more common than most people realize. I think that virtually all of us are affected this way, but some of us are much more aware of it than others, and most of us are able to eventually find ways to prevent it from dominating our thoughts and/or adversely affecting our day to day lives.

Regardless of the circumstances, (unless you were personally responsible for someone else's death, of course), the loss of their life should in no way diminish the value of your own life. I'm not saying that there are not times when we feel that a loss is so great that we don't have a desire to carry on, (during moments of intense emotionalism and remorse) - I'm just saying that someone else's death does not in itself make our own life any less valuable.

What you are experiencing seems to be an inordinate feeling of low self-esteem, which is definitely a strong indicator of depression. You feel that because so many "worthy" people have been lost to this world, (many of them younger than you), that you have somehow become less worthy. That simply is not true. Your negative self-perceptions are due to depression. Your life is worth as much as the life of anyone on this planet.

The fact that you may not feel depressed does not mean that you are not depressed. Depression comes in many forms, but there is no question that low self-esteem is an extremely reliable marker of depression. Did you stop taking your meds on your doctors advice, or because of a personal choice?

As far as why "bad things happen to good people" is concerned - I believe in the chaos theory. IOW, no matter how well we plan our lives, and how hard we try, every so often, some freak, (random), event comes from nowhere to totally disrupt our lives. Sometimes they are good events, and sometimes they are bad, but being humans, we naturally tend to remember the bad events much more than the good ones. The bad events sometimes try us to the very depth of our beings, but they are probably sent to make us stronger, so that when a good event comes along, we can truly appreciate it.

Look at all the things around you that are good - the simple, beautiful things, like the beauty of a bird in flight, or a butterfly on a flower. That bird and that butterfly enjoy life - no matter what happens, because they realize that above all else, life is beautiful, and life is good.

Love,
Tex

[annie oakley]

I am sorry you are feeling depressed. I too have depression in my family. And I think there aren't answers for why we lose so many people and while they are young. And why there are so many deseases. I see them in the paper all the time that are my age dying and younger. I do feel however that we are all here for a reason. It's hard to watch all that, but you do make a difference. There may be one person somewhere, sometime that you will help or influence and therefore changing a life for the good. Please don't lose heart...We are here for you no matter what. Sometimes it's hard to figure the why and wherefore of it all. But there are alot of people here that will listen. And if you need to talk over the phone pm me and I'll give you a number. Love Oma

[Peggy]

Kathy,

Thank you for sharing, I know that couldn't have been easy.

I've lost some people very close to me to the big C, and right now have two friends (one being my very best friend) fighting the same horrible disease. I lost my dear Uncle to a ridiculous blot clot that his doctor could have fixed, if he'd only given the correct advice. None of it makes sense.

But, that's life...it doesn't always make sense, it's not always fair, and yet, at times, it is the most precious gift we could ever have asked for.

When I think of the dear ones I've lost in my life, the ones that more than deserved to out-live me because of the good that they did, I try to remember them fondly and all the best things about them. It helps to ease the pain.

I'm not qualified to give advice, but hope I've helped you to know that you're not alone. And please, come and talk to us anytime you need to.

Love
Peggy

[jenilake]

Hi everyone,

I appreciate what all of you have said so very much!!! I did go off of my meds by choice. I plan to go back on them if I start to feel too badly.

I'm sure my doc has someone else I can go to, and I will if I need to.

I have been with my psychiatrist for so long, its like he is a family member. His specialty is aging and alcoholism. Right now he is going through his own personal depression. I had no idea that he suffered from depression and anxiety.

I do know that many people who are in the mental health field, are in it because they are looking for answeres to their own problems.
I am very worried about him!!

I'm afraid to tell him I went off my meds, I know he wouldn't like that. I can't bother him with my problems now, but I will go to someone else if I need to.

My depression usually manifests such as not wanting to get out of bed, dreading the day, crying over nothing or everything. A dead bird on the side of the road, just anything can pierce my heart. My sig other thinks I'm crazy...sometimes literally. His family have no idea about depression, except they don't want to be around it.

I have to give him credit though, I have put him through some very trying things when I was at my lowest and he is still here so far.

Tex, about the low self esteem, that has been a life long battle for me.
I'm not sure why I have it, I feel as entitled as anyone to the good things of life. But it certainly does keep popping up in my life. I think I am hiding it, but someone always points it out to me. I'm sure it comes from times early in my childhood.

I actually went to college and have a degree in Psychology, but I felt like I was too messed up to treat other people. I didn't understand that they all probably felt that way sometimes. I wish I had gone ahead and pursued it, I think I would have been happier.

The part about the loss of the people in my life that took a piece of me away each time one died, just chipped away the joy from my life. That is the only way I know to explain it.

Like holidays, I used to love them so much, now they are just another day, or a day I just want to go away somewhere and not see anyone. They just don't mean anything to me anymore. I feel like that is a valid feeling, my feeling, but I also feel I don't have the right to feel that way when others are in such worse shape than me, and would love to even have a holiday.

I think my depression is manifesting this time in lethargy, joylessness and lack of interest in anything. I will have to watch this and if it gets worse go back on the meds. I hate having to depend on a pill to feel like a normal person must feel.

Kathyp

[CAMary]

Oh Kathy

I can feel the sadness in your post. I have spent *a LOT* of time pondering these same things over the past 7 months, since my own breast cancer diagnosis....

First of all, if you believe in God and in eternal life, you realize that our time here on Earth is small potatoes, in the scheme of the *big picture* so-to-speak. I've found I needed to stop asking "why", when, as humans, we will never recieve a satisfactory answer to that question...I DO get upset, especially when I read about young women, with young children losing their battles with breast cancer (on another site I frequent).

None of us know when our time here willl be up. Life is terminal. The things that happen in our lives can shape us or influence those around us. We may not know those effects until much, much later. Perhaps the 34 y.o. mom of 3 who succumbed to breast cancer last week inspired her now 6 y.o. son to pursue cancer research - maybe *he* will be the one to find a cure some day...That does not lessen the fact that it is *so* unfair for a child to lose his mother at such a tender age...

I think you should contact your physician about your feelings- feeling like you want to go to sleep and not wake up is a concerning symptom re: depression that I think you need to address....

Something else to ponder - is there something you could do to make your life feel more fulfilling and meaningful? A cause you could support, perhaps something that was near and dear to one of those dear people in your life you have lost? I sometimes have felt I just "go through the motions" of living - taking for granted we only get one shot at life. I find some sort of "giving back" really helps me feel that I am doing something meaningful and significant...it can bring a sense of joy to life...

We are always here to listen - but I think you might want to talk to someone to help you keep those sad feelings from overwhelming you...

I feel like what I just wrote may not be accurately expressing my thoughts - I hope it does not come across as "a lecture" or anything!Thank you for sharing so honestly - much of what you stated resonates with me!

Wishing you feelings of peace-

Mary

[tex]

Kathy,

I had forgotten that you have a degree in psychology. I'm sure that what you say about many health care professionals is true. The cars that most mechanics drive, always seem to be in dire need of many repairs, but they just can't seem to get around to doing the repairs, and, as everyone "knows", the doctor's kids are always the sickest. LOL. I have no doubt that you would have been happier if you had pursued a career in psychology, because it would have brought you a great sense of satisfaction to be able to help others who were in desperate need of help. As Mary pointed out, it would bring a sense of joy to life.

I have to agree with Mary, also, about the need to address the issue of not wanting to wake up. That really needs to be resolved, and soon. You seem to be more concerned about your psychiatrist's problems than your own, which is admirable, of course, but if he is a professional, I'm pretty sure that he would prefer that you give him a chance to help you, rather than for you to go to someone else so as not to "bother" him. Trust me, helping you will help him, and your going to another doctor, (or failing to ask him for help when you need it), will only add to his problems with anxiety and depression, (unless, of course, he is feeling so depresed that he is not open for business).

Concerning hating to depend on a pill, in order to feel like a "normal person" - well, I feel that way about having to take a thyroid supplement every morning, but I do it anyway, without question, because it is the only way I can feel "normal". I'll bet you do the same each morning, also. If an anti-depressant is necessary in order to feel "normal", then there's really not much difference between taking that, and taking a thyroid supplement, is there?

Tex

[starfire]

I'm a bit late getting in on this. It's been a long "trying" day.

However when you said your depression is manifesting itself in "lethargy, joylessness and lack of interest in anything" you really hit home. I battle these same feelings, and, like you, I don't talk about it.

I think you have recieved some excellent advice and viewpoints already and I really can't add much. I was glad to hear you say you believe in God and in eternal life. So do I. Can you trust Him enough to believe that He knows what he is doing even though we can't understand it.



Love, Shirley

[jenilake]

Hi everyone,

Margie, thankyou for your response, I appreciate it so much. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. Most don't want to hear it, brings them down. I understand this, no one wants to think about depressing things.

Barb, I think of you all the time, because you remind me of myself in so many ways. Thankyou for your response. You have lost so many people way before their time. And its not just that they have died, its that you don't have them here anymore. I know you will see them again, and me too, with my people. That doesn't stop the pain of the loss.

Margie said see the big picture (I think it was Margie) I do, and it helps but it can't come soon enough for me.

Tex, You always have just the right things to say. I sooo love that, it helps me to get centered again. Thankyou for just being you and giving from your heart!!!

OMA, You always amaze me with your wisdom and determination. I think you are phenominal. A southern Calif. girl that can go to TEX and be Calamity. Thankyou for your post to me, I always look foreward to your stories. I know you have depression in your family, I have seen it in your posts. You are some GAL, If I was in trouble I would want you by my side. Thankyou for being you.

Peg,

You inspire me, you have been through that bad time with your neck, and come out of it well. I hope everything is alright.
You always have such a sunny disposition, I wonder how you do it. When I feel bad, I think of you and it helps me to carry on, gives me a laugh, because you persevere. I don't just mean with your neck, just your personality.

I also want to talk about the people you have lost and your friend going through this now. I lost one friend to C and another has it now. It is a horrible thing. I don't cope well, I hope you do better. There doesn't seem to be any alternative. For them the Hemlock society, but thats another topic. Oregon actually has something similiar. I hope I haven't upset anyone by saying that.

Mary,

First of all I was terrified by what happened to you. I think you may be about my daughters age. Probably younger I think. I have always been scared about her getting breast cancer. It seems so common these days.

What you said about that 34 year old mom dieing and leaving a young son of 6, makes me sick. My daughter has two kids 7 and 9. They would be devestated without her. I don't know how these families go on.

Steph, my daughter lost a friend to an aortic anuerysm, she left two kids behind. Well enough of that.

I do need something to do, that is part of my problem. I am introverted and I process info internally. I think too much. To the point of driving myself nutz.

I have thought of hospice, but I would be a basket case, I think. I would really like to do that, but I'm afraid I would be in bed with them blubbering. I don't think that is what they want. I don't know. I know I have a lot of empathy and caring to give. I just don't want to cause more problem than sloution.

I am thinking of other things. I called a bird rescue house here in Vancouver, and the man said he had enough people. That is what I would really like to do.

Shirley,

Thanks for your post, I appreciate that you have an understanding of how I feel. I would never have guessed. I think because you live in Florida.
I have always wanted to live there. I know though, that when I am depressed, I don't see the sun, even when it is out. There is always a grey cloud over my head no matter where I am. Kind of amazing how that works.

I always look foreward to your posts, and your adventures in your motor-home. Another thing I would love to do.

Thanks all of you, you have no idea how much you all mean to me!!!!!!!!!!
I bet you all have never heard so much out of me ever.


Kathyp

[JJ]

Hi Kathy....I am just now checking my posts. I think many of us ask the same questions about mortality. I think many people don't talk about it but feel it. Thank goodness we are able to talk about our feelings...I think many people can't/won't discuss their feelings and that is damaging to self and others. You sound like a very sensitive and caring person....I too feel things deeply....it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Hugs to you kiddo...take care.....Love, JJ

[jenilake]

Hi JJ,

You are so right about being so sensitive is a blessing and a curse.

The thing I hear my mom saying all the time to me was, "Why are you so sensitive?" or "You are too sensitive." With any other variation of this. I grew up thinking something was very wrong with me. I never could understand why I felt so badly about something other people around me took for granted. I think that is where my low self esteem started. I had no graph to measure how others felt in relation to how I felt. I just felt that there was something wrong with me.

I used to belong to another board for highly sensitive people. There is a book out called...The Highly Sensitive Person. It really hit home with me.

I have tried to tell friends and family about the difference of how I feel and how I see others feel, and they don't have a clue what I am talking about. I have always just thought that the way I feel is wrong, because I couldn't find anyone who could relate.

I'm talking about how I deal with grief, and animal abuse, child abuse etc. It seems to take me a long time to get to a point of being able to compose myself and friends think I am a few bricks short of a load.

JJ, sometimes it is really a curse, so many things bother me about life and the world situation, that most people I know don't give a second thought to, that I feel I must be crazy.

Thanks for your post.
Kathyp

I hope you are feeling better, probably not yet, but hopefully soon.

[MaggieRedwings]

Morning Kathy,

I really cannot add much to what has already been said and advised. I do totally understand where you are and have been there myself. Right now things seem to be much better for me but without Frank and the family I have here, I would be nowhere.

My prayers are with you and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Love, Maggie

[JJ]

Kathy, we are twins! I cried at school when someone else was spanked by the teacher. The naughty kid was laughing! I will look for the book you mentioned...let's talk some more about this....hugs......JJ